I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
