moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
