we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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