so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
