porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
