Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
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And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
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I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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