guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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