Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
