Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
