It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
