Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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