Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
