O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
