I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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