Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
