I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
