she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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