My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
