I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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