I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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