if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
