You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Operation Purity has been aborted
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
