come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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