I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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