i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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