OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
