First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Please don't give away my fajitas
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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