he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My vagina just recognized that song.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
