And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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