Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
In the future we'll all be gay
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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