Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
