Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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