I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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