That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
