You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
