i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
