He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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