i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
