The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
