My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
