if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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