How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I have demons in me.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
