My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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