lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
