I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
