oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My ATM looks so different sober.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
