First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
