I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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