I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
