I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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