So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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