I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Randomize
