rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
