i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
