I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
