I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
